dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You are the jesus of drinking
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
