1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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