There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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