260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
how does that bad decision feel?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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