I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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