Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
