that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
jump out the window naked night went bad
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