I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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