I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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