I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
