Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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