He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Is it because I queefed?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
