I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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