You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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