my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
