Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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