I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
