I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So apparently I’m into choking now
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
