Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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