i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
