happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
