Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
