i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I am one with the molecules
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
