Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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