I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
