Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
