i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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