The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
