i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
