i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
