these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
