So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
