then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
