If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
