Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
