We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Pants are for mortals
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
