i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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