I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
