EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
