The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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