Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
