I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
