Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
