i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
