I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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