Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
