I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
