Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
