god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
