im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
should my penis look like a turkey
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
