I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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