Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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